aaaargh!!

it’s back. the feeling of torn, lost, hate, anger and sadness. i feel ever so lonely. i feel so stuck. like i’m in prison. i wouldn’t know how that feels. but i feel so…i don’t know what’s the word. i can’t describe it but i feel so scared. so so scared. only God can help me, but i have to help myself too. i feel like quitting. like i always do. my new job’s so overwhelming. but what job isn’t? i just realized how stressed i am. how i’ve made stress a big part of me, i can’t seem to live without it!! arggh. i am going out of my mind with this madness. i am thankful for being able to think. but i can’t think right. i don’t know if i’m thinking right. i want to think right. but how?? i have to be patient. but i don’t know if i can! i’m trying and i don’t know!! i need to talk to people. but whoooo?? maybe the people are there, but i’m asking the wrong questions. or instead of asking questions, i’m…i don’t know. always somewhat defending myself?? who am i?? who the bloody hell am i??

i’m scared. of myself. i don’t know what i’m capable of doing. i’m impulsive. i follow my desires. i want freedom. i want to work and fill my time. i want to do what’s right. even if it’s tiring. but i hate being pressured! but that’s part and parcel of life is it? pressure?? but maybe it’s my mentality. maybe i’m just arghhhh!!!!! ARRRGGHHHH!!!

how you gonna fix it…

could i simply be a coward? afraid to take her chances, when she has the opportunity to take it? or am i just a waste of time, even for myself? i mean…i value time, time ticks away and time lost, is gone forever. but yet, i do not use time productively. nothing much really happens. or that is how i perceive it to be? i am confused with myself. too many voices, too many opinions, too many thoughts. please!! one by one. i cannot do everything. i have to prioritize. i am so disorganized, i think that’s impossible. think negative, that’s all i can do, can i? NO. that’s a lie. i can be optimistic and positive. ask mia!! she’s been helping me out. she’s been there. she knows me inside out!! yes, mia. she tried talking some sense into you. she tried by being blunt, by being sympathetic…but you’ve been pathetic. you’ve been in that self-saddistic moment forever. NO!! i am not. i merely have no faith in myself. i believe i am not good enough. i believe i am just a stupid prick who knows what to do but just cannot focus long enough to do it. do i need help? i think i do. i cannot do this alone. i tried, and i tried. mia cannot help me…because she’s me. we can talk and think as much as we want. but no one’s there to push us do you get it? no one. if i fail you and you fail me, we need an alternative. please…i need help. and please…i want to change.

He has helped me in many ways…but i too have to help myself.

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night!

Marhaban! Yin dee! Khush amdeed! Selamat datang! Shagatom! Bienvenue! And a big welcome! I am new in this neighbourhood, thanks for dropping by. You came right on time! This is my blogwarming post. Yes, please help yourself to make-believe bbq (serving meat-eaters and vegans respectively) and imaginary free flow non-alcoholic beverages (sorry, respecting non-drinkers and under 18s or 21s here). Of course, this chocoholic host would not miss out to serve you chocolate loaded desserts! She’s not THAT out of her mind please.

Okay, now that we’re all in a celebration mood and I’ve just drooled all over myself thinking of chocolate (yes I am that big-a-chocoholic), the party’s now officially over. Thank you for coming once again, and I will try not to annoy the living hell out of you with my over-the-top bad singing, random rantings, or leave you with wthisthatallabout comments in your blogs. I am considerate in many ways really, but well…maybe I shouldn’t speak too soon.

Till then fellow readers, wordpressers, papparazzis, students, teachers, elephants, giraffes, internet, world and all…